Monday, September 6, 2010

...A Single Lady.

That's right, I said the big bad S-word: SINGLE.
Let's start from the beginning...

The Guy:
Jordan (name has been changed) is an amazing guy. He's great. He's kind, he's sweet, he's gorgeous, he's strong, he's mature, we have a TON in common, he's smart, and he genuinely cares about people. So what's the problem?

The Problem:
We're both in love with other people. Jordan is a great guy, and I will swear by that statement time and time again, and we had a great time together. We were interested in each other before we started dating, and we might as well have been dating at the time anyway with the way we were around each other... but once we actually labeled ourselves as "BF/GF", things went downhill. NOT THE WHOLE TIME; in the beginning everything was wonderful and I was happier than you could ever imagine... But over time it started to change.

He Changed:
He didn't call as much. We went for days on end without seeing each other, when we used to see each other every day. His "Good morning" text messages changed from "Hello, Beautiful, how are you this morning :)" to "Mornin". All of his texts consisted of one word and one word only, unless he was angry or frustrated about something. He was just so distant all the time.

I Changed:
At first I thought maybe something was wrong, and I tried to make him laugh. Then I decide I wasn't putting up with it. I talked to him less, too. Had less to say, really.

Why I'm Ok With This:
We had a great time together, and being together just felt good. I was happy. He made me smile. And he likes me... but he LOVES her. I understand how different that is... because I may like him very much, but I LOVE someone else... In both of our cases, we cannot be with the people we love right now. It's not possible at the moment. So why not make each other feel good? No harm, really...

The Breakup:
We both knew it was coming. Him, because he was planning it, and me, because I'm female and I just fucking know these things. Neither of us was surprised when it finally happened. Relieved, actually.

The Aftermath:
Now we don't have the awkwardness, the guilt of being in love with other people while we're with each other, or the distant silence. We're back to the way we were before we started officially "dating". No label. Great friends. He's still wonderful. He still makes me feel great about myself. He makes me smile. He makes me feel beautiful. Wonderful. Wanted. I don't need the label of his "girlfriend" to know he cares about me or to feel good when I'm around him. He's still a great guy even though we're not together. Let him have her... she sounds like a truly wonderful girl. They deserve each other. His friendship will be enough for me.

"Boy we've had a real good time,
And I wish you the best on your way...
Not that I don't care about ya,
Just that things got so 'compliquee'.
...I have something that I've loved long-long,
But my friends keep on telling me there's something wrong,
Then I met someone...
And eh, there's nothing else I can say.
Eh, eh."
 -- Lady Gaga

You're a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly. <3

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

...The Heartbroken.

"People are people, and sometimes we change our minds,
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time...
...And we know it's never simple, never easy.
Never a clean break. No one here to save me.
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand.
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to..."
          - Taylor Swift

What to do in this situation? We had our time, and it was the most wonderful time of my life. I understand why you left... the timing was all wrong. But we made promises to each other. True, real promises. We never did get to try this again. The timing was always wrong. The timing is STILL wrong. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes... because I know that once we get the timing right, it's going to be perfect. WE will be perfect. But for now, I'm without you, and it's hard to breathe... but I have to.

"I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven."
          - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I once had similar words spoken to me, and I believed them. I still do. I know that he would go to great lengths for me... he already has. He made proposals to me that I should have accepted, but didn't because I didn't think I was ready... And now I look back on it and all I want is all he offered me a year ago. But regardless of what my answer was, I know he still cares for me deeply. If I didn't feel the same, you wouldn't be reading this.

"And I'd give it all away
To have someone to come home to."
          - Linkin Park

You have no idea the things I would give up just to be able to jump into your arms right now. To come home, see your face, run to you, and hold you like I never have to let go. My life would be so different. I'm not sure where we would be, but as long as we could be there together, I wouldn't really care... But once again - the timing is all wrong.

"I'll still be thinkin' of you and the times we had.
Don't you cry tonight, I still love you Baby.
...And please remember that I never lied,
And please remember how I felt inside.
And don't you cry tonight. I still love you Baby."
          - Guns 'n' Roses

This is self explanatory, but I'll explain anyway just in case any of you have some things going right over your head. If You are reading this, here's the big one: I still love you, Baby. Very much. More than you can imagine. I think about you every moment that I'm awake and I dream of you every single night. I've been completely honest with you about everything, including how I feel, even though it might hurt that the timing is wrong AGAIN. But I still love you. Remember that, and be happy; when the time is right, I'll be waiting and willing.

So let's get one thing straight. This whole "timing" thing is really killing me. We're both with other people, and both of us happy... but I truly do believe that I belong with you. For the rest of my life I will believe that. He may make me happy now, but you've always been The One and we both know it. She may make you happy for the time being, but we both know she's no Me. I don't even care how stuck up that sounds... She can't be the one for you because that position was filled a long time ago. We both know it, and in time we will be ready for each other again.

"That's what we do. We fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch, and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second rebound rate and you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard, and we're gonna have to work at this every day, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you; forever; you and me; everyday."
          - The Notebook

If that doesn't say it for you, nothing will.

I love you. <3

Friday, August 13, 2010

...A New Mommy.

And no, I'm not talking about a baby. I'm talking about the kitten sleeping sweetly next to me as I type these words. It feels so good to bond once again with an animal that loves me unconditionally... and we've only had him 3 days.

Here's a part of the story that needs to be understood:
I used to have a cat. His name was Petey and my father got him for me when I was roughly 4 years old. I grew up with that cat. He was my best friend. When I was 18, I moved out of my father's house right away, for many reasons I will not explain now.  I couldn't bring animals into my new house, so Petey had to stay with my father. I made him promise to take excellent care of him, as I would have, until I could find a place that allowed me to have Petey with me.

Months went by. Slowly I started to notice Petey's significant weight loss. My father and his wife insisted he was just getting old, but was not at a loss for food. I bought that story. I shouldn't have.

I have recently found out that my father and his wife kept my beloved Petey locked in the basement. The cat never really saw the light of day, never got to play, to socialize with the people in the house, and was all alone. I moved into a new house with new roommates. We are allowed to have cats here.

July 25th, 2010. I called my father to let him know that I was moving on the 30th. He invited me over to the house on the 29th to pick up a dresser for the new place. I told him that I was allowed a cat at the new place and that I wanted Petey. He was getting old. I wanted him to die with me, the one person who actually cared about him, not in a basement alone.

July 29th, 2010. I went to my father's house to get Petey. It wasn't until this day that my father decided it was the right time to tell me that Petey passed away in June. I was heartbroken. I cried for hours. How could he keep that from me? It was just... wrong.

Today. We have a new kitten in the house. His name is Whiskey. We got him for free and were going to sell him to make some extra cash, but we all fell in love with him instead. He sleeps in my bed, follows me around the house, and meows loudly if I go into a room without him and close the door (example: the bathroom). He is, right now at this very moment, sleeping next to me. I am so in love... it only took a moment. I dread going to work because he will be here alone and he'll meow for me. I'm only going to be gone for 5 hours, but I already can't wait to get home and play with him some more - and I haven't even left the house yet.

I believe that Whiskey is my second chance - to be the Mommy I should have been to Petey toward the end of his life. I should have visited more. Fed him. Bathed him. I blame myself for the horrible state he was in the last time I saw him... he was skin and bones, dirty, his fur was matted, and he was starving. I brought him some food, and you should have seen him scarf it down. I've never seen him eat so fast. When he was done he crawled into my lap and purred himself to sleep. I never saw him again.

Whiskey is my little angel with paws. My little orange beauty. My blue-eyed baby. I will never forget Petey. Whiskey is giving me the chance to remember Petey the way he was when we were growing up: bubbly and playful. Even as he slumbers, Petey's face is there. He is still with me, living through this tiny new addition to our household.

Sleep tight, little Whiskey. I'll be home soon enough. <3

Monday, August 9, 2010

...A Big Sister Who Needs Help.

I have three amazing siblings... one 7, one 13, and one 15. I try very hard to be there for them as much as I can, but each of these relationships has its own set of complications.

Sister A, 7: This is the cutest, funniest, most clever little girl I've ever known. We have the same father but different mothers. I grew up with my father and he married a woman and had another baby with her. I babysat her A LOT. I taught her to walk, sing, and play guitar hero. We have had some really great times together. When I was 18, and she was 6, I moved out of my father's house because his wife and I didn't get along. For a while everything was fine and I saw my sister often. Then I started to see her less and less... Today, I haven't seen her in almost 2 months. It saddens me that it has gotten to this point, but her mother doesn't talk to me much and my father no longer talks to me at all. I want to be a good big sister for her, but I don't feel comfortable being in the house with my father or his wife. Help?

Sister B, 15: My god this girl is gorgeous. She's hilarious, cute, and talented. We have the same mother but different fathers. She lives in Texas with our Momma. I never see her. Momma and I were out of touch for most of my life, so I had only known my sister as a baby and toddler. Next thing I know, I'm 18 and she's 14 and I see her again and she's all grown up.  She's going through a lot of things right now; high school, boys, the school dance team, homework, trying to live her life... I want to be there for her like a big sister should. It's just so hard living so far away. Help?

Brother, 13: He's awesome and he's too funny.... But I don't really know what else to say about him. I don't know a lot about him. When I went to visit, he wasn't around too often. When he visits his father, who lives in the same city as me, we don't see each other much. I want to change this. I want him to feel more comfortable around me, because he doesn't really talk much when we do hang out. I want him to know his big sister loves him. Help?

So that's me. A big sister to 3 amazing kids who have no idea how much I care about them. I want to be better for all of them. This is where I need readers... I'm in need of guidance from an outside source. Someone who hasn't seen for themselves the relationship between me and my siblings. Someone who holds a completely objective point of view... Help? <3

Sunday, August 8, 2010

...A Singer.

The music is everything.

It's there when you need a release, when you need to lose yourself, when you need to be someone else, when you need to envision your life actually going places, when you need to dance, when you need to make a point,  when you need a pick-me-up, when you need a description for those indescribable things, when you need to feel, when you need to cry, when you need to find yourself, when you need a friend... The music is everything.

Let me explain...

Yiruma. "The River Flows in You". Look it up. When I need a release, I listen to this beautiful piece of work and I express myself through dance. I spin and stretch and leap and reach and most importantly, I feel. I envision a romantic scenario that is likely to take place in my future... if you knew me, you would understand... and let my body tell the story. Words aren't needed... it's just my body and the piano. <3

We The Kings. "We'll Be a Dream". Look it up. I sing it when I need to feel better. The female part is low enough in some parts for me to sing effortlessly, and high enough in some parts for me to show off my raw talent. The message of the entire song is about finding safety and comfort in love. I find that when I'm in his arms, everything is perfect. This is the song that gets me through his absence. When he's not here to hold me when things get tough, I close my eyes and sing it. Suddenly I'm wrapped in the warmest embrace I've ever felt. Nothing scares me. Nothing is wrong. "When the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound." <3

AFI. I can't even pick one song. Look them up. They're a miracle in the ears of a rock junkie like me. The hardcore angry sounds just make you feel better. Sing along. Scream. It feels so much better than throwing things or getting angry with people that are close to you. And it's more fun. Try it. <3

Joshua James. Look him up. When you need to relax, Joshua James is your man. Just listen to a playlist full of his songs, relax your body, and close your eyes. Sleep will come. I promise. <3

"Spring Awakening". A musical. Sound lame? Look it up. Read the story. Hear the music. The harmonies never cease to make me smile. Lea Michelle's songs are perfect in my vocal range. When I sing it, I can see myself playing her part on Broadway - my biggest dream. I lose myself in a story about life, learning, and love. I become Wendla, a sweet German girl whose fatal mistake was falling in love, and I leave myself behind until the song is over. It's amazing to know that if you don't want to be yourself, even for a few minutes, you don't have to be. <3

So I guess this isn't just A Day in the Life of a Singer. It's A Day in the Life of someone who appreciates music in its entirity. But singing is what led me to appreciate other kinds of music in the first place, so we'll go with it.

Next time you're listening to your favorite song, make one small change: close your eyes. Don't think about it; feel it. Engulf your soul in it entirely. Escape through it. Be it. The music is everything.

"Find your freedom in the music, find your Jesus, find your Cupid." - Lady Gaga

...A Learner.

Here are some things I have learned either through life experiences, touching moments, or people around me:
  • Don't be so quick to grow up. Childhood only lasts so long. Savor it and revert back to it whenever possible.
  • Sleep is necessary for a fully functional body, but don't base your life around it. You'll be so worried about bedtimes that you will forget to live. Don't chase the Sandman. Let him come to you.
  • Buy the dress; it looks great on you.
  • Say "I love you," and say it often - but only if you mean it.
  • Just a simple smile can really brighten up someone's day. Try it sometime.
  • Money is not necessary for happiness. Take me for example; I have nothing, and yet I have everything.
  • Never take for granted a good education. You'll be glad you have it someday.
  • Learn random useless facts when possible. They keep the mind fresh.
  • If you're dating someone, lay with them often. Hold them. Touch their skin. And for God's sake, put down your cell phone. A wise person once told me that when you're so close to that special someone, nothing else matters... and he was right. When I'm with him, suddenly technology isn't important and all train of thought is lost and refocused on his touch. Feel that. Appreciate it.
  • Don't be ashamed of anything, no matter what. Everyone has a naughty side. Be proud.
  • Avoid at all costs doing anything you don't enjoy. Try to find fun in everything.
  • Drink a lot of water. You'll be healthier, have more energy, and feel better in general.
  • Ladies - keep track of your period as soon as it starts to become regular. Save yourself the hassle later.
  • Be goofy in public. So what if people in the grocery store think you're straight out of the psych ward? You will never see these people again. Have fun.
  • If you ever work at a fast food restaurant, leave your wallet at home so you don't buy their food every day. Your body will thank you when all your coworkers gain 50 pounds and you don't.
  • Hug your mother. She brought you into this world. Cherish her life like your own. Hug your father. He also contributed to every breathe that you take.
  • See the world. The reason you have money is to spend it. You can't take it with you when you die. So spend it seeing parts of the world that will stay in your Memory Bank forever.
  • Don't fear death. It's inevitable. Fearing it keeps you from living.
  • Say "thank you" for everything. Even if things hurt, they help you. If it doesn't kill you, then it must be good for you.
  • Be comfortable in your own skin.
  • Read Cosmo. Trust me.
  • Have a dreamcatcher. But don't buy it... have it made for you.
  • See the movie "The Nightmare Before Christmas". You'll thank me.
  • Don't wear makeup if you can help it. If you do, keep it minimal.
  • Your iPod should have a special playlist full of songs that help you sleep.
  • Quit smoking. Your body will rejoice in your willpower. This was the best decision I ever made.
  • Stop being so damn scared to fall in love. It's the best feeling in the world.
  • Never regret anything that once made you smile. Because at one point, it was everything you wanted. Never, ever, EVER regret a single happy moment, no matter how much it hurts later.
  • Hug a soldier. He risks his life for you.
  • The books are always better than the movies.
More to come.... and now, bedtime. Thanks for checking in on this edition of A Day In The Life. It was the most fun to write so far. Goodnight, bloggers. Sleep tight.

...A Heartbreaker.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I'm a heartbreaker.

I'm sorry that I can be selfish at times. I think everyone can. But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry that I didn't think of her as much as I should have. I guess I'm an @$$H0L3. But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry that I treated her unfairly at times. I was just overreacting. But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry that I'm not being a very good friend to her right now. I'm having a hard time myself. But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry that I have a hard time saying these things out loud. I guess I have a problem admitting I'm wrong in serious situations like this. But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry that I lied. I was just so scared... But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry for everything. Truth is, as much as I don't mean to be, I guess I am a heartbreaker. But that is no excuse.

I'm sorry.

...A Night Owl.

Do you ever have those nights when you just can't sleep, no matter how exhausted you are from the previous day? I have those every night.

I recently moved into a new house. It's kinda creepy. But it's ours, so we don't complain. Maybe it's the new environment that is still keeping me awake all night. I've only been here for a week. But I think I have a better idea of what it is that keeps me up: my thoughts.

Thoughts. Everyone has them. Some people's are just filled with more worry than others. So what do I think about at night? Hmmm...

Well, first, let's start with the reason why this is happening. I used to live with my girlfriend. I lived with her for a year. We shared a bed. I never slept alone. Before I moved in with her, I lived with another friend for about 6 months. We didn't share a bed, but we did share a room. She wasn't home much, but at night I was never alone. Before that, I lived with my parents. It was the first semester of my senior year and my biggest worry was what I was going to wear during Spirit Week. So, to make a long story short (too late), I was 17 years old the last time I slept alone.

Sleeping alone has its benefits: more space. I cant watch whatever movies I want. I can stay up late texting and not bother the person sleeping next to me.

Sleeping alone also has a downfall: I don't have anyone to talk to when my thoughts overwhelm me.

So now onto my thoughts themselves...

Well let's start with the fact that I'm broke and jobless. I had an interview last week that I'm nervous about. Won't hear anything until Monday at the earliest. After paying my phone bill, paying rent, and buying necessities, I have NO money left. I'm absolutely broke. I have just enough money in both my bank accounts to keep them open. I have no car. I take the bus everywhere. I live off food stamps. What a wonderful way to live... but at least I'm not starving. How I'm going to come up with next month's rent is beyond me. I really hate money. So much. All it does is stress people out and worry people to the point of illness. Financial troubles keep me up at night.

Let us continue to the creepiness of this house. The last person to live here hung himself in the garage. Weird things are happening. My roommate and I hear noises in the pantry. Things will fall off the shelves and clank around, and we go in there and not one thing is out of place. The bathroom door opens on its own, and it's not the wind because there is no window in the bathroom. The corner of the kitchen where the pantry is just gives off bad vibes at night. My roommate and I are both terrified to go in the kitchen alone once the sun goes down. We really do think this house is haunted. Fright keeps me up at night.

Now... the boyfriend. *Dun-dun-dunnnn*

He's wonderful. I absolutely adore him. I'm so lucky to have found him... and now the United States Army is going to take that from me. In two short months he will be gone. There is not a single moment of any day that I am not thinking about this prospect with sheer terror. I want him near me all the time, and who could blame me? He's kind. Caring. Gorgeous. Honest. Sincere. Incredible. Thoughtful. He listens when I talk and remembers everything that's important - and come to think of it, he also remembers everything that's not. His body is rock hard and beautiful. His arms are warm and inviting. His skin is smooth and comfortable. His lips are soft and gentle. His hands fit mine perfectly. I love everything about him... and in roughly 60 days' time, all of that will be far, far away. It kills me that I have to let him leave. It saddens me more than you could ever imagine. Sadness keeps me up at night.

Now let's talk about memories. Why is it that the worst memories in your Memory Bank are the ones that come to the forefront of your mind when you can't sleep? It doesn't really make it any easier to get some shut-eye. It's like having bad dreams, but you're still awake... Every part of my home life that ever stressed me out is happening all over again right in front of me. Not all memories are worth remembering. Memories keep me up at night.

Ask me again why many of these blog posts will be posted in the wee hours of the night, and I will tell you to reread these thoughts. The thoughts that keep me up at night.

...and this doesn't even begin to explain everything.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

...A Girl Who Has No Idea What She Wants From Life.

That's me. A girl who doesn't have a clue what she wants out of life. Or, rather, a girl who wants so many things out of life and has no idea which is most important.

Passion: Music. I'm a singer. I've been singing since I could talk, and even before I could speak actual words, my babbling was done mostly in song. Singing is an escape from everything else - I think of nothing. I leave this world for the duration of my song and enter a world that is less stressful and more understanding. I am one with the music. I am the music. The only problem with this is finding work... How I would love to make singing a career and not just a hobby. To get paid to do what I love the most. To make a living and support myself by doing the most relaxing and carefree thing I've ever done. To lose myself in my work. But that dream is far away; careers as a singer are few and far between - especially if you're looking for something that rewards you well enough that you won't be stressed about your finances. It takes more work than it's worth, some might say. But you have to want it badly enough, and believe me, I do...

Passion: Animals. I'm an animal lover. I grew up spending a lot of time in a small town in Northern Wisconsin called Amberg, where animals are abundant. Here in the city, you step into your backyard and see sparrows and squirrels. In Amberg, you step outside your back door and into a sea of wildlife. Deer. Chipmunks. Hummingbirds. Raccoons. Blue jays. Turkey. Bears. Snakes. Even the occasional mountain lion. You can walk down a hill and find a pond where you can swim with turtles, frogs, and fish. The deer will eat out of your hand if you sit still long enough. You can catch a grass snake and play with it for hours. I grew up doing these things every other weekend. I love it. A dream of mine is to be able to somehow help animals. I'd like to work in an animal hospital or a zoo. But achieving this dream would take years and years of schooling - and I haven't even started college yet.  I'm a little rusty. Would I still love to do it? Absolutely. But how possible is it, realistically?

Passion: Helping others. I love the feeling that comes from helping someone in need. From giving simple advice to saving a life, I love it all. Now don't get me wrong, it's not the feeling of being a hero that I enjoy; it's knowing that I have done a good deed. I know I would want someone to do the same for me. I love knowing that because I came along, someone feels better. So here's a possible solution: The Army. An ROTC program would help pay for college tuition while I learn about medicine. Complete school, and commission as a doctor. Doesn't sound half bad, does it? I don't think so. My only issue is that I know what it does to people when someone close to them joins the military. They're proud... and terrified. Some say it's like "signing your life away". I don't know if I believe that or not. The military has taken some important people from me, and it's about to take my boyfriend. I know what this does to the people who are left behind. Minimal contact, with no idea whether or not their soldier is alright. Constant worry. It's gruesome. But on another note... the military benefits would cover me for life. Medical expenses would be paid for me and my family, once I choose to start one. Early retirement is more than likely if I play my cards right. But how important is it to help others when your own life and future is on the line? Some might take a step back... But me, I'm actually considering it more strongly every day.

And this is what I'm talking about; so many options, and only one life. A person can't really be expected to choose ONE thing to do with their life. To all those who are my age and already know what they want out of life: Hats off to you. Congratulations, you're not as indecisive as I am. Be glad. This is tough.

...A New Blogger.

I'm really loving the idea of blogging... I never thought of it as an option for emotional release until now. I'm 19 years old, living on my own, and going through a lot. Hopefully this will give me a chance to vent my frustrations and maybe get responses from people who have been there... People I don't even know can actually make a bigger impact than I thought, as I found out on a forum the other day.

Before you read anything I put out there... Please understand that I am a human being. I make mistakes just like everyone else. I have flaws. I am not perfect by anyone's standards, not even my own. Don't judge me. I wouldn't do it to you.

And here...we...go. =D