I recently moved into a new house. It's kinda creepy. But it's ours, so we don't complain. Maybe it's the new environment that is still keeping me awake all night. I've only been here for a week. But I think I have a better idea of what it is that keeps me up: my thoughts.
Thoughts. Everyone has them. Some people's are just filled with more worry than others. So what do I think about at night? Hmmm...
Well, first, let's start with the reason why this is happening. I used to live with my girlfriend. I lived with her for a year. We shared a bed. I never slept alone. Before I moved in with her, I lived with another friend for about 6 months. We didn't share a bed, but we did share a room. She wasn't home much, but at night I was never alone. Before that, I lived with my parents. It was the first semester of my senior year and my biggest worry was what I was going to wear during Spirit Week. So, to make a long story short (too late), I was 17 years old the last time I slept alone.
Sleeping alone has its benefits: more space. I cant watch whatever movies I want. I can stay up late texting and not bother the person sleeping next to me.
Sleeping alone also has a downfall: I don't have anyone to talk to when my thoughts overwhelm me.
So now onto my thoughts themselves...
Well let's start with the fact that I'm broke and jobless. I had an interview last week that I'm nervous about. Won't hear anything until Monday at the earliest. After paying my phone bill, paying rent, and buying necessities, I have NO money left. I'm absolutely broke. I have just enough money in both my bank accounts to keep them open. I have no car. I take the bus everywhere. I live off food stamps. What a wonderful way to live... but at least I'm not starving. How I'm going to come up with next month's rent is beyond me. I really hate money. So much. All it does is stress people out and worry people to the point of illness. Financial troubles keep me up at night.
Let us continue to the creepiness of this house. The last person to live here hung himself in the garage. Weird things are happening. My roommate and I hear noises in the pantry. Things will fall off the shelves and clank around, and we go in there and not one thing is out of place. The bathroom door opens on its own, and it's not the wind because there is no window in the bathroom. The corner of the kitchen where the pantry is just gives off bad vibes at night. My roommate and I are both terrified to go in the kitchen alone once the sun goes down. We really do think this house is haunted. Fright keeps me up at night.
Now... the boyfriend. *Dun-dun-dunnnn*
He's wonderful. I absolutely adore him. I'm so lucky to have found him... and now the United States Army is going to take that from me. In two short months he will be gone. There is not a single moment of any day that I am not thinking about this prospect with sheer terror. I want him near me all the time, and who could blame me? He's kind. Caring. Gorgeous. Honest. Sincere. Incredible. Thoughtful. He listens when I talk and remembers everything that's important - and come to think of it, he also remembers everything that's not. His body is rock hard and beautiful. His arms are warm and inviting. His skin is smooth and comfortable. His lips are soft and gentle. His hands fit mine perfectly. I love everything about him... and in roughly 60 days' time, all of that will be far, far away. It kills me that I have to let him leave. It saddens me more than you could ever imagine. Sadness keeps me up at night.
Now let's talk about memories. Why is it that the worst memories in your Memory Bank are the ones that come to the forefront of your mind when you can't sleep? It doesn't really make it any easier to get some shut-eye. It's like having bad dreams, but you're still awake... Every part of my home life that ever stressed me out is happening all over again right in front of me. Not all memories are worth remembering. Memories keep me up at night.
Ask me again why many of these blog posts will be posted in the wee hours of the night, and I will tell you to reread these thoughts. The thoughts that keep me up at night.
...and this doesn't even begin to explain everything.